Confession time. Well, confession outside of this entire website. That would be my misspent youth raised by toy commercials. One, in particular, is relevant to this update. It's funny; there were only “two” seasons of G.I. Joe, but 96 episodes total. I spent most of them with a terrible secret: my favorite character was The Baroness. So, let's talk character assassination and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra – The Film
The movie is about Magic Mike discovering the reason for all those thousand-dollar toilet seat covers. The principal foe in the film is James McCullen's “M.A.R.S. Industries” because, you know, Cobra is rising. The one thing I will admit the movie managed to do was effectively misdirect the identity of Cobra Commander.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra – The Furs
So… “The Baroness.” (Sienna Miller) Or should I say “Ana Lewis,” a former good, blond girlfriend of the protagonist version of Duke and only part-time agent of destruction? Here she returns to her husband and the reason for her current nom de guerre Baroness Anastascia DeCobray.
If anything particularly evil occurs here, it's the “black fur in poor lighting” cinematography.
Fortunately, the hidden M.A.R.S. base is under the Arctic, and The Baroness dresses accordingly with a feathered black fox fur stroller. This is the one you get to see the most of.
Unfortunately (for me, at least), this is the start of the character's redemption arc, as old feelings for dumbo resurface.
Most of the shots of the fur are either walking around the base…
…or various moments of reflection on how she is not an irredeemable force of sexy destruction. Ugh… #notmybaroness.
If the lack of a sexy, unidentifiable eastern-euro-russo-german accent didn't kill the vibe, then turning “good” sure did.
If you told me there would be a live-action version of the Baroness in a movie where she wears fur, and I would hate it, I would not have believed you. I suppose I can deflect and say this character isn't The Baroness and call it even. I can say there is a movie where Sienna Miller has black hair, glasses, a tight body suit, and a black fox fur coat. I appreciate that. It's just not The Baroness.
No shade on Miss Miller; she did the best with what she was given, and what she was given was the problem. The problems with the character were baked into the script. And if you want to enjoy Miss Miller in more and better fur, click on over to Factory Girl.
The runtime is crap, but it is a film released in 2009 with real fur that is not a period piece.
- Fur Runtime: approx 2.25 minutes
- Film Runtime: 118 minutes
- On-Screen Fur Ratio: 1.86%
Find-a-Fur: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, 2009
(all times are approximate and are affected by the cut of the film)
- 24:45 – black fox wrap
- 1:13:10 – feathered black fox stroller
- 1:17:20 – ”